I Beat Meryl

This is one of my favorite quotes from one of my all-time favorite movies… and then there’s the wonderment of Bette, Goldie and Diane. I quote this movie in everyday life and she quoted it at the Golden Globes… I’m talking about Jennifer Lawrence.  I have a very unhealthy love of J. Law and I’m not ashamed so obviously I’ll be watching the Oscars on Sunday night to pull for Jennifer and her movie, American Hustle… Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Renner and Christian Bale aren’t so bad either. Oh and Amy Adams… she’s pretty great but no J. Law.

While I love her attitude on eating, body image and life in general, it’s her range that impresses me the most. I haven’t acted in a play in over 8 years but I’m a thespian at heart. I’m very selective in what movies I praise on a bigger level than pure entertainment. I was captivated by her performance in Silver Linings Playbook and how regardless how commercial it is, she was an amazing Katniss (and yes, I did read the books.) I have enjoyed all of her work not only on an artistic level but an entertainment level.

While I stated that I was going to dedicate an ENTIRE post to her, I lied. I’m sorry. I was looking through some old pictures and I noticed something…. My face has lost weight…  The top image is from October 2013 and the bottom image is from February 2014…. My, what a difference a baby can make.  

Do It For Her

If my office chair was more comfortable, I’d probably take a nap.

Fortunately for my employment, it’s not that comfortable.   

I crashed out at 6:30 yesterday evening and slept until 4:30 this morning, I’m supposed to be at work at 6am so needless to say I was hauling tail trying to make it on time. Luckily I made it with time to spare to get my Tall Mocha Light Frap (110 Cal). I am SOOO lucky to have a wonderful husband who let me sleep and stayed up with nugget. I probably could have slept another 12 hours.

I was going to go for a walk yesterday but by the time I made it through Nashville traffic (Which was CRAZY for a Wednesday at 2:30), stopped by the post office and paid a couple bills, I was beat. So I have nothing health wise to report today but I can say that I mastered putting my makeup on behind my desk so no one would see me.

Nugget had an eye doctor’s apt yesterday and I can gladly report that her vessels in her eyes are forming perfectly and there is no sign of risk of blindness (a worry in preemies). I am so beyond blessed that McKenna is progressing the way that she is, she’s gaining weight and has good loud cry. Being a parent is probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve only been at it for almost 8 weeks. Since going back to work on Monday, I remembered how stressful life outside of McKenna can be. However, when I get home and see her sweet face only one scene comes to my mind…. And if you’ve never seen them Simpsons, you won’t get this but that’s okay. I’ll forgive you.

I’m going to talk about incentives for a minute. With this journey, I’m presenting myself with incentives for different goals. My first goal ranges from March 1^st to March 31^st… my goal is 10-15 lbs lost… If I can achieve that, I’m getting highlights for spring. Most of you know that I usually keep my hair on the lighter side but right now I’m rocking the ombre and while I love the ombre, sometimes you just need to go back to the basics. I also desperately need my eyebrows waxed but I can’t seem to drag my lazy self anywhere to get them done but that’s an entirely different problem and another discussion for another day.

The Last Supper

Aren’t you hungry?

Duh.

Last night was the last supper before I begin the journey of clean(er) eating. I got the one thing that I will miss the most… Chinese food…. I’m such a sucker for orange chicken and sweet and sour sauce. It was an epic meal but what’s even more epic is how awesome I’m going to feel after I stop eating all this junk and start drinking my body weight in water.

I wish water tasted like chocolate.

Hubs and I are average people. We make a modest income, rent a lovely duplex, (it’s actually pretty nice… most people cringe when you say duplex) and have a newborn baby girl that most of you know as my nugget, so we are on a budget. BUDGET is an ugly 4-letter word that I’ve never had to use before but now I’m clipping coupons and searching the best deals, I’m coming to realize that it isn’t all that bad. I’ve said all of that to say this: eating healthy is expensive; it’s much cheaper to eat the junk. I’m learning to sacrifice and compromise (2 other words that I’m not used to.)

I did meal prep for the first time last night, mainly going off what I had found on other blogs and with hope and excitement of trying different things. I don’t think I did so bad, I got 4 meals for 8 dollars!! (BTW: The chicken was just baked in water and pepper at 350 degrees for 2 hours) I’ll never comprehend why so many people are dying to be stick thin, I’m not dying to be thin… I’m dying to live and I’m planning to make it a point to never focus on a number but rather how awesome I feel. For example, for the past week or so I’ve been drinking way more water and I can already see a rise in my energy and with a newborn that’s a big help.

Whilst in the hell hole, also known as Walmart, last night, I picked up a few of my favorite (budget friendly) beauty products, you don’t have to break the bank to feel pretty… you just have to know what you’re looking for and what stands out among the rest.

Those are just a few of my favorite things. As much as a hate Walmart…. I find some of the greatest things there.

Update

Day 2 back to work. So far so good I did, however need some liquid energy in the form of Starbucks. I’ve forgotten how to get up on a scheduled in the mornings. This morning I am particularly grouchy.

McKenna has been home for over a week now and is growing like a little weed, she’s slowly getting there but she’s making progress. My child already has personality, she’s the boss and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Adjusting to life with a newborn has been a bit of a challenge but we’re making it work. Mornings are made up of a little more Kenra hairspray and Oribe texturizing spray to keep my hair from falling but other than that, a little coffee does the trick.

 

The time has come to make (more) changes in my life. It’s time to get fit, or at least be able to run a mile without thinking that I’m having a heart attack. So many years of eating what I want has caught up with me and I want to be able to run around with McKenna one day.

This journey is going to be a difficult and slightly hilarious one. For those who don’t know me all that well, I’ll let you in on a secret… I’d rather chop off my arm than exercise. I hate it. Bloody hate it. I don’t mind eating healthy, I just hate physical activity. Behold… the life of a fat kid!!

Well, now that it’s out there…. Along with my updates about McKenna and life in general, I will be ranting about my weight loss journey. This is not going to be easy.

Hashtag Mommy Problems

I think I have 3rd degree burns from boiling bottles. Okay, I may be exagerating just a little, but none the less... It hurt. I've been in extreme nesting/ mommy mode since my little nugget has been home. I never ever did dishes before but now I'm constantly trying to keep as many clean bottles as possible. The undonestic goddess has become a semi domestic goddess. I doubt I'll be scrubbing the floor with my bare hands any time soon but I'm learning. 

McKenna had her first doctors apt today. My little nugget is a small but healthy little girl. Praise The Lord. 

The first night home was a little rough but we're slowly settling into life as a threesome. 

There's no place like home.

McKenna was discharged today!! Tonight is our first night at home with our little nugget. I cannot believe that she is FINALLY home and sleeping peacefully in her bassinet. Last night she weighed 4 lbs and 10 ounces. Praise The Lord for everything he has done in our lives. McKenna is the greatest gift that God has ever given us and we're continually amazed blessed by her every single day. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement through this journey. I'm still planning to continue with my blog so everyone can watch me attempt parenthood lol.

A big shout out to a dear friend who is also a preemie mom, Laurel Lane. Laurel is a designer for origami owl and this coming month is hosting an event to donate part of sales to preemie awareness! This is a cause that is near and dear to me so if you're interested in origami owl please contact me at kaylaedixon@yahoo.com and I will put you in touch with her. Below is the link to her site, check it out and be a contributor to this wonderful cause! 

www.laughinlaurel.origamiowl.com/

A Speed Bump

Today was a hard day. Probably one of the hardest days yet, no particular reason, just a difficult day. I don't think I've stopped crying all day and that's hard for me to admit because I'm not much of a crier. (Hopefully that's spelled right) I just want my baby home. In our new place. In her beautiful new crib with the people who love her. Sometimes I'm so angry, I don't know what else to do but cry. I feel so alone even though Win is right there with me. 

Sunday was my baby shower and it was beautiful. Thanks to all who attended, I'm working on your thank you cards, I promise they'll be out soon. 

The next day.. This was breakfast....

Followed by these: 

And finally.. My 4 lb 7 ounce nugget: 

Finding Balance

I slept in my own bed for the first time in a week last night.... It was amazing. I came home this weekend for a couple of reasons: 1. I've got to finish getting our new place together. There are still boxes every where and I'm starting to stress!! These are times that I wish I knew a pro organizer. 2. I was running out clean underwear. No explanation needed there. 3. My baby shower is Sunday. I don't do so well in group settings like baby showers, wedding showers, etc but we'll see how this goes. Ohh the woes of an awkward kid. 

It feels wonderful to be home but I miss my nugget so much but sometimes I feel guilty because she's still in that cold hospital so I'm doing my best to make sure she has a clean, organized and warm home to be discharged to. 

I don't dread my baby shower, I dread all the questions and I owe answers to my friends who will be attending but I tend to get overwhelmed so for all of you in attendance, please bear with me. Times like these I wish my best friend, Kayla lived closer. She always could help me get through these things. Also, my family in VA. We're such a crazy bunch that no one ever notices my awkwardness. 

It's going to be a long weekend but for today I'm just going to breathe and shop with the queen of shopping, my mom. One day I hope that McKenna and I have the relationship that my mom and I do. She drives me insane sometimes but she's become one of my best friends and biggest fan. My baby deserves that kind of mom. 

McKenna finally moved to a big girl crib in the hospital.... We're not home yet but we're close. 

-k

Four Pounds and a Bit of Faith

Today my sweet little nugget reached 4 lbs!!! I am one happy momma!!

I could stare at my beautiful baby all day. 

Besides her gain, nothing big happened today. People ask me questions daily, the most common are; "How much does she have to weigh to come home?" and "How many weeks does she have left?" The only answer to these is We don't know. We're taking things day by day. Sometimes I come off as short or cold but trust me when I say that I don't mean to be that way. There are several days that I need to be reminded of grace and patience. 

I was reminded today. I get frustrated with people acting like they know the answers or that they are so involved in nugget's life but this evening I was reminded of what a blessing it is to be Nugget's momma. God chose me to be her momma and by His grace, she is here, improving every day. This whole experience has been a reminder of God's plan and my faith. I've always had faith in God but I haven't always had faith in people, even now I still am very wary of people and their agendas. People will hurt and fail you, even the ones you love but God's love is infinite. Great is thy faithfulness...

One Month Later...

My baby is one month old today!!! I can't believe that I met my beautiful little nugget a month ago. It's amazing how your life suddenly changes and two things happen: 1. You don't realize it and 2. And when you do, it's not that big of a deal, you don't freak out because it feels like your baby has been there all along. 

Today, my fabulous uncle gave me a day of beauty. It was so nice to be back in a salon, nothing beats having someone was your hair. It's such an amazing luxury. 

Before and After

So we've hit one of our first major delimas: we have to find someone to watch our little lady. Caring for a preemie is a very time consuming task and I have to go back to work as I have been out 8 weeks already--- we NEED that extra paycheck I bring in. It hurts me to leave my baby that's practically a newborn with someone else so they can feed her and get to experience all her milestones that I won't but I have to work to provide for her. It's a very difficult subject for me as I feel as I have been robbed of so many of her firsts already and after she is released I will be handing her over to someone else during the day. 

To my readers: I need to find someone trustworthy, that has experience with babies, no children of their own and willing to watch her 5 days a week... I know that's a lot but that's what our doctor recommended. If any of you know anyone that could do this, please message me on Facebook or e-mail (kaylaedixon@yahoo.com). Thank you all!! 

By the way: McKenna gained 2 more ounces so that puts her at 3 lbs and 13 ounces and is continuing to take her bottles and hold her temperature. She's doing amazing. 

A brief moment without her feeding tube last night. 

Let's Talk Nerd

SPOILER ALERT: if you have never read the comics, and care anything about Spiderman or Captain America I suggest you scroll to the bottom for Mckenna's daily stats. Otherwise, continue reading. 

I watched that blood bath called the Super Bowl this year for 3 reasons: 1. I knew that Seattle's defense would DESTROY Denver's offense. 

2. THIS....

Oh Captain America.... I'm so very happy to see that not only are you just as amazing as you were in the Avengers but also the return of Bucky as the winter soldier. Bucky is my favorite character in Captain America world so I'm very glad to see that he will be back. 

3. AND THIS.....

Poor Gwen.... We all know what's coming there. No need to elaborate on it. 

Now, let's get past my nerd rant and talk about something that makes me happier than the beauty that is summer movie seasons 2014 and 2015... McKenna. 

Today, my little nugget smiled for me. It was the most beautiful sight. She gained 2 whole ounces, which makes her 3 lbs and 11 ounces--- one happy mommy!! Also, today they started weening her off her "box" and upped her bottle feedings to 2 x's a shift. This evening she took the entire 30 mls from her bottle for me. It made my heart so happy, she's not quite ready to go home just yet but she's getting closer. You know what that means???

Mama Bear has to get to work on her nursery!! 

Pretty girl's beautiful laugh. I am one blessed nerd momma! 

Being a Crazy Mommy

I've learned some very valuable lessons through everything that's been happening over the past couple of weeks. 

1. You find strength in the people you never imagined you would. -- I have had an outpour of kind and inspiring words from the least likely of people. I'm grateful because it has shown me that people are better than I thought. 

2. And sometimes your loved ones let you down. --- I'm not going to elaborate too much on this but what I will say is that there are days, like today, that I feel alone in a crowded room. 

3. You think you're "strong" until you have to be strong. --- I've always been strong willed and thought I could take on the world. I was wrong. Some days I am stronger than others but on the days I have to leave my baby, I want to break down. 

4. People are going to think you're crazy.... And that's okay.--- I am my daughter's biggest fighter, if I'm not there to advocate and fight for her, who will? If those nurses and doctors think I'm crazier than a bag of cats, oh well. 

5. Never underestimate the power of a good friend.--- A real and pure friendship is a valuable thing. Your friends will protect you from yourself sometimes and help you hold it together better than anyone else. 

And 6. My daughter is the best part of me. --- I can't describe this but all of you mommies out there know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. She's my greatest accomplishment. 

Today was a good day for my baby. She gained another ounce and is continuing to hold her own. Coming home this weekend was a blessing in disguise. While I didn't come home for one of the happiest occasions, it has put a lot in perspective for me. 

Sometimes you just have to come home to make sense of things. 

Mommy's little nugget.