A Tribute and An Update

It's with a heavy heart that I write this today. Last night, my best friend's grandmother went to be with The Lord. Nanny was one of the most wonderful women I've ever met, the loved matriarch in her family, she always put the needs of her family above her own. She was the best cheerleader that my best friend and I had. When we were thought to be "bad influences" on each other, Nanny was in our corner. At 10 years old, I never imagined that the "lady with ther perfect eyebrows" would become one of my greatest supporters and would change my life when she brought her granddaughter to church, this particular granddaughter would become my best friend, my sister and one of my biggest fans. Now as I sit here and think about how much that simple act of a grandmother just being a grandmother and trying to get her granddaughter to go to church changed my life, tears fill my eyes. I loved Nanny so much and I will miss her terribly, she was a wonderful, Godly woman and a strong woman. I was blessed just to know her but I know that she will always be watching, not only after her family but also after the little girl who suddenly started calling her Nanny and stealing her granddaughter away after church. 

I'm going to update on McKenna but I needed to write about Nanny first. She would have loved McKenna. My baby gained 2 ounces last night and is continuing to progress. She's been taking 10 mls out of a bottle, she's still a while off from taking it all out of the bottle but she's getting there. Days are still tough, especially when the doctors round and I feel like they're "rating" my daughters progress but I guess that's just me being me. My thoughts on people have changed but that "don't trust anyone" philosophy is a tough one to kick. 

I understand that people are full of advice, but this is my blog to vent and perhaps help someone else, who may be in my position, know that it's okay to feel this way, it's normal. I've had a huge outreach from people who have experienced this and it's been wonderful, I appreciate everything. I do my best to be positive for my baby and my husband but sometimes I just want to throw something so I figure that this is better than throwing things. 

-k 

My Limit

As the text I sent my friends today says: I can safely say that this experience has not brought out the best in me. I'm so moody and frustrated and just angry. Kenna's doctors "rounded" today... If you want to call it that... There were several people all while some NP was actually reading her chart to the attending. I've defended doctors for many years but really?? You can't read the chart yourself? Then all they wanted to do was "observe," my child is not a lab rat. And that's how I feel some days. 

Some days are better than others. Win is holding it together much better than I seem to be. I just want my baby to be home and I do not want to hear, "it won't be much longer" or "she's where she needs to be." I get all of that, I really do but it's just the mothers instinct coming out. 

I need to get my act together and get it together but it's just so hard some days, especially when my baby lives in a box. 

On a separate note: I've been watching extreme couponing for the past few days... Must learn to do this. Who's with me???? ORRRR... Who wants to teach me???

Our own room!!

Today my baby gained the last ounce she needed to be a pound over her birth weight!! The past couple of weeks have been the hardest couple weeks of my life. I think the most difficult thing has been not being about to stay with her and watching someone else raise my child. I was robbed of the first diaper, feeding and I wasn't even the first person she touched. Everyone saw my sweet baby before I was given the chance 2 days after her birth so I suppose I have a bit of anxiety over leaving her.

McKenna finally got her own room this week so we're able to stay with her. After weeks of tears and frustration of having to leave her and the financial difficulty of driving 90 miles a day have finally eased up, they're far from over but at least this is a great way to be able to see her more. 

Now as I sit here watching Hubs rock her, I'm reminded how blessed I am. I have a beautiful family and I thank God every day for the opportunity to be Kenna's mom. 

The Life of a Preemie Mom

It's amazing how quickly things can change. One minute I'm happily (okay as happy as you can be growing a person) pregnant and the next I'm being hospitalized for high blood pressure and informed that they are considering taking my baby at 25 weeks. I've never been more afraid in my life. My sweet girl was not ready to come into the world and I was going to do anything in my power to keep her in. After a 10 day hospital stay, and enough Bp drugs to take out a horse I was released on bed rest. 

One month to the day of being hospitalized, I had a general doctor's appointment and informed my doctor of pain in my sides, she didn't think it was anything to worry about but to satisfy a crazy pregnant woman obsessed with preeclampsia, she took labs. At 11 pm I got a call telling me to get back to the hospital. I was in multi system failure and my platelets were at 61,000--- apparently that's low--- my blood was not going to clot. I didn't learn any of this until after my c-section 5 hours later. My sweet baby was born at 658am and weighed 2.6 lbs. I was stuck in bed for the first 24 hours and did not meet her until she was 2 days old. Luckily my husband kept me sane through this entire ordeal and now we spend our evenings watching over our girl in the NICU. 

These are my experiences, feelings and my daughter's progress during our stay.